Thoughts...

I hardly know what to do anymore... right now, my thoughts are divided two ways... one to Rei, the other to Kami..

Rei-
You don't know how much I hate myself. You may have pulled me up when I fell so far, and repaired a deep hurt, but.. Now I'm just dragging you down with me. I got together with you knowing I was leaving in a couple months, I'm so sorry... I'm a horrible boyfriend, aren't I? No, you told me not to think like that... I know you're afraid, so am I.. No one really supports us but Dark, huh? I know Dark is truthful when he says he does but.. Everyone else doubts us...

--.: Etincelle says:
EVERYONE doubts BOTH OF YOU because you don't know what the fuck love is

I can't get that out of my head... I shouldn't have told you about that, since now you also worry about who really cares or who really doubts us.. I'm so sorry. I don't know who "everyone" is, but..

It doesn't matter. Even if the whole world were to turn against us, I'd still be by your side, I'm not going to leave you, and no one will get in the way of us being together.




Kami-
I don't know where to begin. And right now I'm just so worried about what will happen if I don't figure "it" out... I'll just hate myself anymore if I don't figure it out before I go home, because then I wouldn't have spent a good summer with you...

All I know is that "it" has to do with Rei, and how I've been acting recently.. What I say and promise is contradicted by my actions. Then Rei comes online, and I completely forget.. I dunno, sometimes I think.. that all I really wanted to hear from you was that you supported us, but all I ever heard were doubts, and it really hurt...

Maybe I've become too obsessed with Rei, and always look to her to escape the pains of life. I used to look to you, I used to run to you. Now I've just forsaken you, I take you for granted.. And what have I done but ignore it? I really want to make a change in my life, I don't want to lose you. When you told me you still loved me last time we talked, it really got to me.. It made me so happy, but I also felt like crying.. Why the hell did I ever treat you so badly? I want to change, I really do. But I want to change to keep both you and Rei.. I don't want to have to choose.. I'll do whatever it takes to keep you in my life, sis, I'll do whatever it takes for you to forgive me. Right now, all I can do is realize my own errors and try to correct them...

I know I promised Kia I'd love her forever, but first love just fades away, and promises broke..
I know I promised Rei I'd love her forever, and I hope that promise holds true..
And I know I promised you I'd love you forever, and you're my sis, and family should hold together stronger than anything else..

I probably haven't figured it out in all this rambling, but... I hope to do so soon.. I couldn't sleep last night because all I did was wonder about what it is... I love you, sis, remember that.. even if you never forgive me, I always will..